Then my next epiphany came to me when I was walking out to the car one wintery morning. Isn't it just so strange how certain thoughts pop into your mind at the oddest of times???
Anyways...I don't really know why this thought came to my mind...I think it was because I had recently explained to my son that his aunt, my sister, had a really hard time when her youngest son went away to college. She suffered from a terrible case of empty nest and after about a year and a half she's finally coming to terms with the change. Watching her deal with this serious issue has taught me that I need to cherish the few years I have left with my children...in 10 short years my baby will be going to college. It scares me...ten years is a long time...but then again...it's not.
All of this conversation in my head led me to my next epiphany of motherhood...
You know how you, your family and friends are so completely joyful and happy when a child is born??? You celebrate and shed tears of joy and sheer delight. You cherish your new little bundle and look forward to all of the wonderous years ahead of you. You plan for the big events like baptisms, first birthdays, the first day of school and years worth of holiday fun.
The years go by and you watch them grow into beautiful individuals and eventually you have a lifetime full of memories. Time passes so quickly and the next thing you know they are adults and it's time to send them on their way--perhaps college, the armed forces, a new job in a nearby town or possibly far away. They are on their way to a new life. But as a mother you become extremely sad. You miss your child terribly and you cry and obsess about the times you spent together when they were little. You constantly ask yourself, "Where have all the years gone???" or "How did he grow so fast???" You cry...you feel sad...and all the while you know that you need to move on and adapt to your life without them. And every so often they come home for a weekend or holiday and you feel like you've gotten them back and you're reminded of what happiness feels like...only to have them leave again and go back to their new life.
Well my epipahny was this...
I thought that maybe...just maybe...when we are born to this world God (like our parents) sends us on our way. Maybe at the moment when we enter this world God is shedding tears of saddness because He has to let us go. At the moment we give birth to our beautiful babies we are celebrating with great joy. But maybe at that very moment God is shedding tears of saddness. He knows He has to let our souls go into this new life. He has to wait for years and years while we live our life on this planet. He spends all that time hoping and praying that we will find our way back home to Him.
Then when our time comes and we go back home to God our loved ones are crying again, but God will be rejoicing that we've made our way back to Him.
A few familiar phrases...
"Everything has it's season"
"The yin and the yang"
"The ebb and the flow"
"High tide and low tide"
"Sunrise, sunset"
"Dawn to dusk"
This is how it is for us as humans and that one wintery morning I had this overwhelming feeling of clarity--an epiphany. Maybe it's the same for God. He has to send us, His Children, on our way. He, too, has to let us go and spread our wings. Maybe He understands much more than we realize.
Just my latest epiphany...with more to come I'm sure!
Until then...
Jane
Monday, March 26, 2007
An Epiphany of Motherhood - Part One
First here's what I mean by epiphany...I got this from the Merriam Webster online dictionary:
3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment
Now to explain what was revealed to me back in 1994...
When you have a child the general thought is that you are given a gift...a child is a gift from God. But when I was pregnant with my first child someone shared her version of this thought. She told me that she believes that God doesn't GIVE you your child. He sends His child THROUGH you and it's your job to prepare your child to make his or her way back to God. I loved that she shared this thought with me and I have never forgotten it.
When I had my first child I was...as expected...blown away with joy. But along with the overwhelming joy was overwhelming fear. I was terrified...an emotional wreck. I would hold my child and sob. I was scared to death at the depth of my responsibility and it was completely overwhelming. I was convinced that I was going to screw him up in the worst way!! I would think, "How am I ever going to know what to do???"
Thankfully time worked it's magic and I quickly figured things out. Days turned into weeks and soon I realized that my love for my new baby boy was a love like I had never known. I was utterly amazed at how deep and magnificent my love was.
Then one day I realized something else...I call this my first epiphany of motherhood. I remember the moment well. I was contemplating the amazing new life in my hands and, like a lightening bolt, it hit me...I thought, "Oh my God! This is how much my parents love me!!" I was stunned at the clarity of that moment...they love me as much as I love him!!
Then a few seconds later I had an even more unbelievable realization...I thought, "Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! This is how much God loves me!!" To say I was blown away by this epiphany is putting it lightly! I can't even put into words how clear everything became. I've never forgotten that moment!
Becoming a mother has provided me with a deep sense of peace. I know how much I love my children and I can't help but believe that God has the same deep love for me. I'm not perfect and never will be, but as long as I try to be the best person I can be then that's okay. When my kids make mistakes I forgive them, right? I still love them. I forgive their errors and move on. Well, I believe that God does the same for me. I have moments where I'm harsh, judgemental or hurtful...we all do. We're human...we can't help it. But hopefully sooner or later I will realize that I have done wrong...I probably hurt someone. At the moment when I feel sorry for what I've done then I believe God forgives me.
We need to begin each day knowing that mistakes will be made...we're human and we will never be perfect. As long as we try to be the best we can be...I believe that's all God wants from each and every one of us.
Stay tuned...
Until then,
Jane
3 a (1) : a usually sudden manifestation or perception of the essential nature or meaning of something (2) : an intuitive grasp of reality through something (as an event) usually simple and striking (3) : an illuminating discovery, realization, or disclosure b : a revealing scene or moment
Now to explain what was revealed to me back in 1994...
When you have a child the general thought is that you are given a gift...a child is a gift from God. But when I was pregnant with my first child someone shared her version of this thought. She told me that she believes that God doesn't GIVE you your child. He sends His child THROUGH you and it's your job to prepare your child to make his or her way back to God. I loved that she shared this thought with me and I have never forgotten it.
When I had my first child I was...as expected...blown away with joy. But along with the overwhelming joy was overwhelming fear. I was terrified...an emotional wreck. I would hold my child and sob. I was scared to death at the depth of my responsibility and it was completely overwhelming. I was convinced that I was going to screw him up in the worst way!! I would think, "How am I ever going to know what to do???"
Thankfully time worked it's magic and I quickly figured things out. Days turned into weeks and soon I realized that my love for my new baby boy was a love like I had never known. I was utterly amazed at how deep and magnificent my love was.
Then one day I realized something else...I call this my first epiphany of motherhood. I remember the moment well. I was contemplating the amazing new life in my hands and, like a lightening bolt, it hit me...I thought, "Oh my God! This is how much my parents love me!!" I was stunned at the clarity of that moment...they love me as much as I love him!!
Then a few seconds later I had an even more unbelievable realization...I thought, "Oh my God!! Oh my God!! Oh my God!! This is how much God loves me!!" To say I was blown away by this epiphany is putting it lightly! I can't even put into words how clear everything became. I've never forgotten that moment!
Becoming a mother has provided me with a deep sense of peace. I know how much I love my children and I can't help but believe that God has the same deep love for me. I'm not perfect and never will be, but as long as I try to be the best person I can be then that's okay. When my kids make mistakes I forgive them, right? I still love them. I forgive their errors and move on. Well, I believe that God does the same for me. I have moments where I'm harsh, judgemental or hurtful...we all do. We're human...we can't help it. But hopefully sooner or later I will realize that I have done wrong...I probably hurt someone. At the moment when I feel sorry for what I've done then I believe God forgives me.
We need to begin each day knowing that mistakes will be made...we're human and we will never be perfect. As long as we try to be the best we can be...I believe that's all God wants from each and every one of us.
Stay tuned...
Until then,
Jane
Maybe this is what I need to do...
I am celebrating my 7th year since I got the bug to start my business. I can't believe it's been so long!! It moved so slowly at first and now I'm so busy I can hardly keep up. For the past year I have been contemplating my next move...do I take my business to the next level and move it out of my house and into a building away from home??? I just don't know...I have been tossing this thought around in my head for a long time now.
I got together with a couple of friends about a month ago and we talked about this subject. I think in having this one conversation with them I have decided what direction to take.
For now I will leave things be. First of all I have lots of room in our house to take advantage of...I just need to declutter a few areas and reorganize and I'll be fine. Plus the bigget issue is I still want to be home for my children. No they aren't babies anymore and they don't need me like they did 7 years ago. But I am a mom first and I truly want to be here for them.
-I want to be the one who takes them to school and the one who picks them up.
-I want to be there to ask them how their day was.
-I want to be the one who takes care of them when they are sick and stay home from school.
-I want to hear them complain about school and hear them say they can't wait until summer break.
-I want to be the one to hear the daily stories on the way home from school. Everyday my daughter talks to me about her day. It's just how girls are...they need to talk things through. The boys don't share much of anything, but she shares everything and I am grateful she knows she can talk to me. She tells me who she played with at recess, who she sat by in lunch and how much they giggled, who stuck up for her when the class bully picked on her, which boy likes her, and so on. I want to be the one she shares her day with.
-I want to be here at home when their friends are over. No I wouldn't dare 'hang out' with them or sit with them or bother them....I respect that they need their space. But I still need to pay attention. I need to hear them. I need to hear how they treat their friends and I need to hear how their friends treat them.
As long as I'm still working from home I will know what's going on which is something that I want to continue until they completely shut me out...which I know will be very soon...especially with my oldest. He's 12 now and will be 13 in a few short months. The tide is turning and I'm not ready to spend my days away from home...not yet anyways.
Maybe in a few years when I know they'll be ready to fend for themselves for a couple hours each day. My youngest is only 8 years old. He still needs me even though he doesn't think he does...you see he thinks he's 12 years old just like his brother. He thinks he can do all the same stuff as his brother because they spend so much time together. I let him think what he wants but I know the truth. He stills needs his mom nearby just as his older siblings do. All 3 of my kids need to have their mom a few rooms away even if they don't believe it's necessary. So I'll be working from my home base for awhile. Yes, it's crazy, cluttered and, at times overwhelming, but I know it's where I need to be...
Until next time...
Jane
I got together with a couple of friends about a month ago and we talked about this subject. I think in having this one conversation with them I have decided what direction to take.
For now I will leave things be. First of all I have lots of room in our house to take advantage of...I just need to declutter a few areas and reorganize and I'll be fine. Plus the bigget issue is I still want to be home for my children. No they aren't babies anymore and they don't need me like they did 7 years ago. But I am a mom first and I truly want to be here for them.
-I want to be the one who takes them to school and the one who picks them up.
-I want to be there to ask them how their day was.
-I want to be the one who takes care of them when they are sick and stay home from school.
-I want to hear them complain about school and hear them say they can't wait until summer break.
-I want to be the one to hear the daily stories on the way home from school. Everyday my daughter talks to me about her day. It's just how girls are...they need to talk things through. The boys don't share much of anything, but she shares everything and I am grateful she knows she can talk to me. She tells me who she played with at recess, who she sat by in lunch and how much they giggled, who stuck up for her when the class bully picked on her, which boy likes her, and so on. I want to be the one she shares her day with.
-I want to be here at home when their friends are over. No I wouldn't dare 'hang out' with them or sit with them or bother them....I respect that they need their space. But I still need to pay attention. I need to hear them. I need to hear how they treat their friends and I need to hear how their friends treat them.
As long as I'm still working from home I will know what's going on which is something that I want to continue until they completely shut me out...which I know will be very soon...especially with my oldest. He's 12 now and will be 13 in a few short months. The tide is turning and I'm not ready to spend my days away from home...not yet anyways.
Maybe in a few years when I know they'll be ready to fend for themselves for a couple hours each day. My youngest is only 8 years old. He still needs me even though he doesn't think he does...you see he thinks he's 12 years old just like his brother. He thinks he can do all the same stuff as his brother because they spend so much time together. I let him think what he wants but I know the truth. He stills needs his mom nearby just as his older siblings do. All 3 of my kids need to have their mom a few rooms away even if they don't believe it's necessary. So I'll be working from my home base for awhile. Yes, it's crazy, cluttered and, at times overwhelming, but I know it's where I need to be...
Until next time...
Jane
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
