It has been...

...4 years, one month and 3 days since my father died. I can't believe I haven't laid my eyes on my dad for so long. It seems unreal.

The lesson that I learned from losing my dad is this...I used to believe that at some point in my life I would 'get over it'. But I haven't. And what I've come to realize is that I don't think I will ever 'get over' the loss of my dad. No one ever 'gets over' losing someone that's so important to them. There is a huge void in my life and some days I see that huge open spot so clearly and I am still shocked that he's gone...even after all of this time.

I have been thinking about my dad a lot today. I got up this morning, looked out my kitchen window and saw a beautiful day ahead. It was sunny and crisp and clean. After I showered I went outside and looked over all of my pretty potted flowers and cleaned up my deck a bit. I decided to get out my seat cushions and my table cloth and sit outside and enjoy this beautiful day. As I was getting everything set up photos of the past ran through my head. I thought of how my husband and I regularly entertain our extended family out here on our deck and the good times we've had out here over the past 10 years. I felt so blessed to have a loving family surrounding us. I then thought of how my dad is no longer a part of these family gatherings and I immediately missed him.

Later that afternoon I had some free time between running my kids around and I decided to go to my quiet little place up by the dam. It was such a glorious day I thought it would be the perfect chance for me to go and enjoy the sunshine and the peace and quiet.

After I dropped my daughter off at her party I headed to my destination. As I approached my place of solitude I began weeping. I'm sure part of the reason I started crying was because I have been so busy and overwhelmed lately. I rarely get that chance to just sit back and enjoy the silence and apparently I was in desperate need of some quiet time.

As I continued driving I cried more and more. I was...plain and simple...feeling sorry for myself. I hate how unfair it is that I have to live my life without my dad. I hate that my kids will be raised without their grandfather. I was watching Dr. Phil the other day. The show was about broken families. The daughters and the father couldn't work out their issues. I could strangle them!!! Don't they know how lucky they are to have their dad sitting there with them???

Finally Dr. Phil piped in...he said, "I buried my dad and you can't even begin to imagne the finality of that."

I COMPLETELY undertood him. It is so final...there are no words to express how final it is. You know how mothers and fathers will say that you can't put into words how much you love your kids? Well, it's the same feeling when you lose someone you love. You can't even begin to scratch the surface and explain the depth of your loss.

After I settled down I couldn't help but remember an interview I read in the Parade Magazine a few weeks earlier. The writer spoke with actor Keanu Reeves about the loss he has had to face in his life:

"Grief changes shape, but it never ends,” he told me. “People have a misconception that you can deal with it and say, ‘It’s gone, and I’m better.’ They’re wrong.

“When the people you love are gone, you’re alone,” he added quietly. “I miss being a part of their lives and them being part of mine. I wonder what the present would be like if they were here—what we might have done together. I miss all the great things that will never be."

Yes, Mr. Reeves, I whole heartedly understand your pain.

I see how my pain comes to the surface every so often. It's not gone and never will be. I will face the pain of losing my dad for the rest of my life.

But rather than wallow in my pain I will keep moving along and keep all of the happy memories tucked away in my heart. I will always remeber my dad's bright and beautiful smile. I will be sad from time to time, but I will always treasure the fact that I had a loving and healthy relationship with my dad.

Until next time,

Jane

You are more important than...

A few days ago I was watching my friends 3 daughters ages 9, 7 and 4. They were playing with my children in our front yard. We live on a somewhat busy road and I have always stressed to my kids to play out in our back yard. Being that our little visitors aren't used to playing in a yard by a road with high traffic I was more worried than usual.

All of the kids were out in the front yard tossing a ball around. They wanted to play Monkey in the Middle. I saw them out there and became concerned that they were playing out front. I went outside and began explaining to the girls why I am so strict about my rule of playing in the back yard. Kate, the 7 year old, was looking up at me with a very confused expression in her huge brown eyes as I kept repeating, "Please don't play with the ball out front! Please go out back!"

Because she continued to look so confused I explained, "Kate, I just get nervous. What if you get carried away having fun and aren't paying attention and the ball rolls out into the street?!?! I don't want any of you to panic and run out there in front of a car just so you can get the ball back! You are so much more important than some little ball! Do you know how sad your mom and dad would be if something happened to you??? They would be sad for the rest of their lives! But if the ball gets run over...well, who cares? We can easily go out and buy another ball, right?? We could never go out out and buy another Katie! You're so special and there's no other Katie in the world like you!"

The kids all heard me and understood my point and went out back to play.

Meanwhile I continued with my housework. I was in the basement folding laundry and I was thinking about what I said to Kate and the other kids. I was so appreciative of the fact that they all understood my point. I liked how they responded to my focus on their uniqueness. I contemplated how truly beautiful each of them is...inside and out. I also thought about how all of the kids in our world truly are a special gift. Then I expanded that thought and said to myself, "Not only are kids special, but so are grown ups...no matter what age!" Every one of us is truly one-of-a-kind and unique! I compared humans to snowflakes and how there are absolutely no two alike...ever!!!

I also contemplated how today we parents continually stress to our kids how special they are. We probably go overboard making sure our kids have a good self image and high self esteem.

As my thoughts continued I realized that not only should we make it a point to make our kids feel special, but we as adults should make it a point to remind ourselves of our own uniqueness. Just think about it...in the history of the world there will never be someone who sees life the way I do...or the way you do...or the way your parents did... or your friends, your siblings, etc. We are ALL incredibly important and special and unique.

I think as parents we are so consumed with making sure our kids feel important and special that we forget to see how unique and special we are, too.

We parents need to remember that if we live our lives everyday with the attitude that we, too, are special then through our everyday example we will teach our children to have that attitude, as well.

So the next time you explain to a child how important they are remind yourself that you are special and one-of-a-kind, too!

Until next time,
Jane